A Life Askew

Bumbling Through One Day At A Time

Ten Turtles Humping

I know it’s been some time since I actually posted anything on here.  I think about it sometimes, but so rarely are there moments in my life that I think anyone who doesn’t actually like me would even bother to sit through a full telling of them, that I just, well, don’t.  But that, I suppose, is obvious.  And while I know that my rare posts are pure gold that the masses yearn to experience, just know that if I don’t really want to write, you guys would suffer.  And I can’t be letting you all down.

That said, it being the Holidays and tomorrow Christmas Eve, I thought this little gem of a story would be perfectly fitting.  And tellable.  Maybe even awe inspiring.

Over this last weekend, my boyfriend, daughter and I went to my father’s house to spend the weekend with that part of the family and do an early Christmas with them.  And that was wonderful.  It was also normal family stuff that no one else really wants to hear about.  My literary opportunity came 4 hours into our ride home.  In a single cab truck.  After stuffing our faces with Krispy Kremes and Jack in the Box (and a morning of Mimosas for me…).

It was starting to get dark, I was starting to get tired, and the kiddo, she was starting to wake up.  Of course.  The Lorax was getting a little loopy too, so it wasn’t just me.  Out of the blue, while following a snow plow (with flashy, glowy blue and yellow lights) I hear quietly from the other side of the truck, “Blue. Yellow. Blue. Yellow. Blue.. Yellow..”  So on and so forth. It went on for a second before I realized it was him, in a weird, growly voice, chanting along with the flashing of the lights on the truck.  You know how you always wish you could get into someone’s head?  You really don’t want to.  That’s the kind of thing you find and it just changes your whole perspective of them..  Or ruins your train of thought when following snow plows for the foreseeable future….

ANYwho…  So we chant for a few minutes, getting the kiddo all worked up and giggling, and again, out of no where, I get this unstoppable urge to sing The Twelve Days of Christmas.  Now, I’m a Christmas song nut.  I mean, when I’m alone in the car in July, I turn off the radio and sing them at the top of my lungs because I just like the damn things.  They’re catchy.  What I didn’t realize until, well, let me recount how the song went for you all.  It’s an instant classic.  I think I’m going to go caroling tomorrow so I can share this with all the neighbors.

Oooonnnnn the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me!!!!!!!!
A partridge in a pear treeeeeeee!!!!!
(While the text doesn’t give it due justice, I’ll try to exaggerate the words so you too can feel their passion.)

Onn the second daay of Christmas my true love gaaave to meee!!
Two turtle doves!!!!!
Aaaand a paartridge in a pear treeeee!!!!

On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to mee!!
Threeeeee…. french hens!
Two turtle doves
Aaand a partridge in a pear tree.

On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to mee!
Four tur.. TURTLE doves!!
Three french hens!!
Two!!
And a partridge in a pear tree…

On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me!
FIVE GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLD RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINGS!!!! (If you’ve seen Eddie Izzard, he’d be proud…)
Four french.. hens..
Three…!!
Two…
And a partridge in a pear treeee!!

On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to mee!!
Six!!  Six… maids a milking…
FIVE GOOOOOOOOOOLD RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINGS!!!!!!
Four turtle hens
Three french pigs
Two!
And a partridge in a pear TREEEEEE!!!!!

On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me!!!
Seven swans a stinking
Six maids a milking
FIIIVE GOOOOLD RIIINGS!!!|
Four turtles humping
Three bunnies running
Two french hens
And a partridge in a pear treeee!

On the seventh.. EIGHTH!! day of Christmas my true love gave to me!!!
Eight…  eight ladies leaping
Seven swans a swimming
Six maids a maiding
FIIIVE GOOOOOLD RIIINGS!!!
Four mocking goons
Three french whores
Two turtle rabbits
And a partridge in a pear tree!!!!

On the ninth day of Christmas my true love gaaave to meee!!!
Nine lords a skipping
Eight ladies weeping
Seven swims a swanning
Six maids a milking
FIIIIIVE GOOOOOLD RIIIINGS!!!!!
Four french breads
Three bunnies running
Two…….
And a partridge in a pear tree!!!

On the 11th (“You’re on the tenth!!”  “Oh!  damn!”) On the tenth day of Christmas my true love gave to me!!!
Ten things I don’t need
Nine ladies dancing….
Eight…. lords.. in.. clothing!
Seven swans a swimming
Six maids a milking!! *Fist pumps in air for correctness*
FIIIIVE GOOOLD RIIIIIIIIIIIINGS!!!!!
Four bunnies dancing
Three french hens!!
Two turtle doves..
And a partridge in a pear treeee!!

(“Wait, what am I on again?” “Eleven!!”  “Thanks!”)

On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me!!
Eleven lines I’m needing
Ten things I don’t need
Nine… Ladies dancing
Eight.. Lords.. a’leaping..
Seven swans.. swimming..
Six maids milking..?
FIIIVE GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLD RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINGS!!!!
Four turtle butts
Three rabbit furs
Two hench frens.. FRENCH HENS!!!
And a partridge in a pear treee!!!!!

On the 12th day of Christmas my truuuuuuuue love gaaaaaave to meeeee!!!!
Twelve songs I can’t sing
Eleven lines I’m needing
Ten things I don’t need
Nine ladies lording
Eight things with something
Seven swans a swimming
Six maids with stitching
FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLD RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINGS!!!!!!!!!
Four french hens!!!
Three rabbit dens!!
Two turtle doves..!!!
AAAAANND a paaaaartridge iiiiiiiin aaaaaaa pear TREEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!

As you can see, I may have forgotten a few of the words.  I know it’s not super noticeable.  You probably had to look them up to double check, but yeah, there are a few lines that are a little off.

However, I think this version has more, um, character.  I’m excited to try it out for my friends and family tomorrow, as I’m sure they would be if they had any idea what they were in for….

With that, you all have a fabulously Merry Christmas!!!!!  Safe holidays and may your presents all at least be in the realm of thoughtful!!!

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