A Life Askew

Bumbling Through One Day At A Time

The Itch

A few (or more) years ago I fancied myself a poet and a writer of profound things.  Obviously, if you’re read any of my blog you know that isn’t true in the slightest.  Heh.  So, one night, while I *might* have been drinking and tired from being over worked, I wrote this.  When I showed it to a few friends they thought it was hilarious.  So, obviously they were all destined to live in rooms with padded walls or had sub-standard senses of humor.  Either way, I’m gonna see how it goes and share it with you all.  Yes, I know it’s a little weird.  But you know it’s true.

It started with a day that really sucked. It sucked big, hairy, sweaty, nasty, elephant balls, fresh out of the nasty river. I had been at work for 12 hours and was only paid for half of it. I was super tired and bitchy. However, I’d been sarcastically telling someone that the highlight of my day had been scratching my ass.  And that got me thinking.  God knows why, but it did.

(I rewrote the intro, so it would make a little more sense, but the rest I left as is, well, minus the ridiculous amount of typos.)

A couple hours after that conversation I took a few minutes out of my day to actually stop and scratch my ass. You know the good old nails on skin, nearly ecstasy scratch. I know you know what I’m talking about; it’s one of the greatest feelings in the world. Then I began thinking about ass itches. There are so many kinds. They’re entirely unlike your back itching, which is a sharp-needs-immediate-attention kind of itch. No, the ass itch is a dull underlying itch that lasts all day until you break down and cater to it.

Different things create different itches. This is the fun part; I’m going to highlight them for you!! (Yes, it should by now be obvious that I’m half asleep already and absolutely cannot know what I’m saying.)


The dry ass itch-

This comes from wearing something that keeps the fabric from your tender derriere. It may become sweaty, but will dry out and itch. You can try to appease this discomfort while using the restroom’s toilet paper, but only nails will do the trick. And you know it.


The clothed too long ass itch-

This is where every millimeter of your ass itches like mad. But only after you take off your clothes. You will spend 10 minutes just scratching the entire hemispheres of your rump until you are anywhere near satisfied with the end result. Legs do this as well. Especially in pantyhose, which by the way, also cause the dry ass itch.


Opposite of the dry ass itch is the damp ass itch-

This can be blamed on a hot, sweaty day, or an accidental sit on a wet bench. Either way, that ever-so-sensitive skin gets damp and itches furiously. Upper thighs tend to be affected by this itch as well. Sometimes the back too.


Next up, the sitting too long ass itch-

This is very similar to the damp ass itch. You wiggle back and forth to try and ease the suffering all the while staying in your seat. There is nonchalance about it that you have to keep while doing this. You move back and forth ever to subtly trying to separate the cheeks so you can reach everything with the cloth of your pants. This is one of the worst scratches to have to successfully pull off. It generally leads into the next itch.


Which is, the just have to get it now ass itch-

This is the one where you stand up straight, try and tighten your ass to make slack in your pants, and just dig in!! With all you might you reach and stretch and do your damnedest to put a stop to this dreadful itch.


One of the worst itches is the didn’t clean up after business as well as you thought itch-

This one will wait hours to sporadically jump into a chaffed feeling itch.  It’s mean, it’s obnoxious, and it can downright hurt!!  The only real solution is a damp bit of toilet paper, or a wet wipe, if you’re lucky. This can sometimes be the have to get it now itch.  Either way, it’s miserable and you have to deal with it immediately and with extreme measures.


Then there is the can’t get to it through jeans itch-

This occurs all over the ass, and quite frequently legs as well.  You will begin reaching for anything that you might be able to use to scratch through your jeans.  This continues on until it reaches the clothed too long itch.  A tragedy indeed.


I think I’ll end here with one final itch. It encompasses the whole spectrum of itches as its definition is by when it hits you. This is the itch that finds you in that moment that you absolutely cannot scratch at it. You can do nothing more than the half waddle walk while trying to lift your leg and scratch using no hands. This itch doesn’t seem to affect adolescent boys. For everyone else, it is the worst of the worst. There is a good chance that it directly related to bad public relations. “Screw you; just let me scratch my ass.”


*if any of these problems are persistent or more than occasional and momentary discomforts, you may need to see a doctor or physician. This is in no way a reference on rectal health; do not rely on it for such. (God I love disclaimers!!!!!!)

**This was written after excessively imbibing in Corona (if my memory serves me), so don’t judge. 😛


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